WTF??? and other moments

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All that navel gazing yesterday was really in preparation for class, where I truly expected to get on the scale and find I had gained a pound or two. I felt like I had a Black Hole Weekend: this happens when your gravitational pull becomes so great that you eat everything that crosses your event horizon.

You can imagine my surprise when I stepped on the scale to find out that I lost 3.2lbs. Imagine my surprise, yep. Probably not imagine the tears afterward. Not tears of Joy.. tears of WTF-ness because... well... WTF? I'm supposed to be learning to anticipate how my weight will have changed over the week and I could have sworn that I'd BLOWN it completely this weekend.

I sat last night and thought about it and.. .well.. I didn't really eat THAT much over the weekend and I did really well the rest of the week. But still. I'm supposed to be tuning into my psychic powers and stuff... and I can't even anticipate my weight? Fine witch I'm turning out to be!

If the witch reference isn't enough to warn you off.... WARNING! Blasphemous (depending on your point of view) material follows.

On a lighter note, out of the mouths of babes:

You know those stop lights with a residential street crossing onto a major thoroughfare, the ones that take forever to change for the person waiting on the residential street? There I sat yesterday, waiting to turn left. I looked to my right and noticed a crosswalk button. Hmmmmmm

"Shelley! Jump out and press the cross light button, it'll make the light turn!"

"Oh no, Mama, just wait a second. It'll go right...... now!"

DING! The light turns green.

From the back of the 'Burb:
"MOM! Shelley-Sue is Jesus!"

Story of my life?

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As part of my preparation for this surgery, I take a weekly class. We work on many of the skills and learn information we'll need in order to be successful. You can't just let them cut your tummy apart, give you a pouch the size of a golf ball and think all your problems will be solved. Many are just beginning.

We have homework every week. This week, we have to write out our story, specifically, our history with food and weight issues, what things we think affect our weight, our perceptions about weight loss and what it takes for us to actually take off the pounds. I love writing, even though I don't do it often enough here. I'm enjoying the project but doubt they counted on someone as verbose as I am. I'm guessing we won't show what's in our story to anyone; which is good. It's not a novel like to win any prizes but it's turning into a novel. What's come out of it so far has been interesting, though.

A few things I hadn't thought about until now:

• My background is hugely food-centric. My dad has a Masters in Hotel, Restaurant and Institutional Management and worked in the food service industry the whole time I was growing up. He even helped me apply for my first three jobs, all of them in the food service industry. I'm not saying this was a bad thing; it wasn't. I'm just saying food has been part of my life, not just as a means of survival but as a means of attaining the means of survival, for as long as I remember.
• I've been binge eating since I was 13 or 14. I never thought of it that way, but there's not really any other way to explain a 95lb, 4' 11" girl eating a fully loaded double cheeseburger, large onion rings and Pepsi the size of a hot tub.
• I've used food as a means of taking control of my life. and rebelling against... everything. When I ordered that double cheeseburger during lunch at school, I was making my own decision; my mom couldn't tell me no. When I bought candy and junk food with my first paychecks and then hid them in my room, I was controlling my life in a small way. I was a rebellious kid but I never snuck out, I never did drugs or drank. I ate instead. I never thought about it, but my unconscious decision's worked out as well for me as theirs did for many of my classmates who chose less legal, more drastic options.

I said two years ago I was on a journey to smaller pant sizes (and beyond). I still am; I may have gotten detoured but I think I'm back on track at last.